The concept of soulmates has deep historical roots, tracing back to Plato’s myth of split beings and evolving through medieval courtly love tales, Renaissance literature, and modern Hollywood narratives. However, contemporary research suggests this romantic ideal may be counterproductive to lasting relationships.
Psychologists distinguish between “destiny beliefs” and “growth beliefs” in relationships. People who view love as predetermined tend to doubt their commitment after conflicts, while those with growth-oriented perspectives remain more committed through difficulties. Professor Jason Carroll argues that the soulmate trap stems not from romance itself, but from the expectation that love should be effortless. This belief can cause couples to abandon relationships at the first serious conflict, mistakenly concluding their partner isn’t their fated match.
Research also reveals that intense chemistry may sometimes signal unhealthy patterns rather than perfect compatibility. Love coach Vicki Pavitt notes that inconsistent partners can trigger anxiety that mimics romantic attraction, potentially creating trauma bonds. A landmark study by psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter found that women felt strongest attachment to abusive partners who alternated between cruelty and charm, suggesting familiarity rather than compatibility drives such bonds.
Even biology challenges the soulmate premise. Hormonal contraceptives can subtly alter attraction patterns across the menstrual cycle, suggesting that who feels like “The One” may shift with pharmaceutical changes. Mathematician Greg Leo’s compatibility algorithm further demonstrates that most people have multiple viable partners rather than a single destined match.
Research by sociologist Jacqui Gabb identified what actually sustains relationships: small daily attentive acts like thoughtful gestures, shared meals, and intimate knowledge of each other. Her study found these everyday expressions of care more powerful than grand romantic gestures in making partners feel valued. The science suggests that the couples who experience relationships feeling uniquely “meant to be” are often those who stopped waiting for fate and actively built something meaningful with their imperfect partner through sustained effort and commitment.
Originally reported by BBC News. Read the full story →